Life Lessons from 'Taken 2'

It's important to learn from movies. There's even something to be learned from the hustle and bustle of action movies. Let us take a look at Taken Deux, where the awesome that was found in Taken was replaced with the following valuable life lessons:

1.  You can make an afternoon S.O.S. call from Istanbul to your CIA buddies who are golfing in the afternoon in Los Angeles because Turkey and California are in the same time zone.

2. When you have marital problems, the best way to work on issues is to take a trip to China

3. Liam Neeson uses the same elven magic Legolas uses to have endless ammunition

4. Nine bad guys cannot shoot one Liam Neeson who stands before them. Liam Neeson can shoot all nine.

5. Failing your driving test twice means you can drive like a NASCAR pro throughout unfamiliar, busy streets in Turkey without hitting pedestrians and dodging bullets

6. Diameter and circumference both mean radius

7. Bad guys won't strip search you for a phone

8. Bad guys let you make phone calls before they take you

9. Answer your father's phone calls. Always.

10. It's okay to hide behind a shirt in a closet. No one will move the hanging clothes to look for you.

11. It's possible to be kidnapped twice in your lifetime and be saved both times

12. You can easily return to the United States after killing dozens and enjoy ice cream days after being kept hostage

13. The best way to enter the U.S. Embassy is to crash through the security booth

14. Albanians conduct funerals in their home country in English

15. Albanians speak English to each other in Russian accents

16. Voldemort lived in Albania

17. If you were kidnapped in Paris and sold as a sex slave, you won't have PTSD and will be excited at the thought of traveling to Turkey.

18. Liam Neeson is very awkward amongst guy friends

19. The leading cause of death for Albanian men between the ages of 25-65 is Liam Neeson

20. Turkish taxis will not sustain a scratch after they're rammed into gates, other cars, and buildings.

21. All Turkish taxis are Mercedes

22. It's smart to leave your phone on vibrate

23. It is unnecessary to pay attention to your barking guard dog

24. An iPhone can reliably make calls in Turkey, despite having "No Service"

25. Liam Neeson has apparently shot his daughter's previous boyfriends????

26. When crossing the border into Turkey, your packed caravan of cars only requires one passport check.

27. A teenage girl will not immediately check her cell phone after getting out of the pool

28. Ex-CIA agents travel with grenades when they are doing bodyguard work

29. Liam Neeson can use an iPod NANO as a telephone

30. Turkish GPS systems are in English

31. Speed of sound is different on Planet Taken 2

32. The U.S. Embassy suddenly relocates from Ankara to Istanbul when Liam Neeson needs it to be where he is

33. Liam Neeson is getting tired of all this

I'm really looking forward to Taken Tois. Coming in 2015.

34. Liam Neeson is reckless with his family

Once Upon a Time....

I got sucked into a fairytale show and these became my biggest life problems as I enter mid-season 2.

(If you have never seen this show, try it. I thought it sounded stupid when a friend recommended it to me last year.... it is awesome. Just make sure you have enough money in the bank and solid grades because you won't be able to go to work or study once you start watching. You're welcome.)


SPOILER WARNING FOR 'ONCE UPON A TIME' FANS:

Haven't heard from Pinocchio in a while. The curse is broken. Why aren't you real again?!

The problem with good people is that they never kill the bad guy. Take Harry Potter for example. Because he won't use Avada kedavra, he loses friends and a godfather. Why is Hook only knocked out and locked in a storage container? THIS IS NOT PRODUCTIVE! He is going to come back and kill every one of you. It is better that one man die than an entire nation, no?

This character captivates me. Rumplestiltskin is fascinating. Maybe a little too fascinating to my subconscious as he appeared at my bedside after I watched an episode right before falling asleep. Rather terrifying. Nonetheless, Rumple is by far my favorite character and I've heard whispers that he dies in season 3 (so I already despise Peter Pan). If he's really dead, I'm done. I can handle mostly dead, because mostly dead is slightly alive (The Princess Bride taught me well). The seer said the boy would be his undoing - let us pray it's just the Dark One's undoing and Rumple and Belle can have their Happily Ever After. 

I might need to book a therapy session with Dr. Hopper to keep sane during this.

A Child's Christmas

This year we were lucky enough to have a two-year-old in our home for Christmas. It was magical.

Me: Who was born on Christmas?
David: A FOX!!!!!

Me: Let's take a look at the Nativity. Here's Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus.
David: I like the camel!

Me: Let's put out some cookies for Santa. You choose which ones.
David: *Places each one on the plate. Tower of cookies complete.*
Me: Who are these cookies for?
David: ME!

David: I want to give my binky to Santa!
 *Spends rest of night crying in his room* (I knew he'd regret it.)

Me: Let's read about Jesus...
David: No Jesus! I want Dumbo!

At the end of Christmas day, during his bath:
Me: Did you have fun today?
David: YES!
Me: What did you do today?
David: I played at school!
Me: Are you sure about that?
David: ......... no.

Naturally, I was up until 2 am on Christmas morning helping make the day memorable as I enjoyed the broadcasted midnight Mass from St. Peter's. There were bells from Rudolph's collar left on the balcony and outside, carrots strewn about, a potted plant knocked over by Santa's clumsiness. And even though he has probably forgotten the details of the day, his reactions were worth it and it's important to commemorate the birth of the Christmas fox.

Merry Christmas!

Back to School

The inferno has dropped to a crisp 95 degrees - fall is in the air! To enhance the illusion of coziness, I've taken to cranking up the A/C, snuggling up in a blanket, lighting some spiced pumpkin candles, and just taking in those glorious, gushing gums.

The first five weeks as a D-Dos have been excellent. This year prepares us to see patients in 8 months (terror). The pace is rigorous and challenging. I've learned so much in five short weeks. Kid falls down and shatters two front teeth? I can fix that! Have a gap that's staring you down? Look like Michael Strahan no more! Not thrilled with your smile and want veneers on all your front teeth? I can do that too.... in about 22 hours. (Now, these things are still pretty hard and time consuming for me,  so I have no choice but to charge extra for 'Frustration Fees.' Plan on at least $10,000 for each procedure.)

It hasn't been easy. In fact, I escaped to the Crying Room (oh, there IS such a thing) on the second day of lab because I was so upset. My brain could see what I needed to do and my hands just weren't responding. I felt that I was going to be a horrific dentist and would destroy smiles in all the land. When I returned to the lab, my bench instructor noticed shifted into life coach mode and refused to accept my request to dropout. I bucked up and kept on practicing. Rome was not built in one day!

Other life happenings that do not have a thesis:

I went tubing here before the Flood of a Lifetime hit and almost forced my parents to abandon town in an ark.

This beautiful girl married a wonderful boy. Her father-in-law tore it up on the dance floor. He's my new favorite person.

Feeling great about myself for starting a 30-day yoga challenge. It's day 17 and I have actually done the yoga on three of those days. Brava.

Ready to tackle my current stack of books: Crime and Punishment, Man's Search for Meaning, East of Eden, The Bluest Eye (particularly excited about this one), and as always, The Picture of Dorian Gray  and I, Claudius. I'm finishing up Return of the King... super bored with all this Minas Tirith business... let's just get to Mt. Doom already.

Andrea Bocelli is coming to Phoenix soon. Cheapest ticket is $135 for vertigo-inducing seats. Heartbreak.

My request to hang out with my classmate's wives and join in on the fun holiday crafts led to my invitation to their FB group. Presently there haven't been any crafts, but I can tell you who the best lactation experts are in town and how to clean a cloth diaper (It's easy. Don't. Litter box is definitely the best way to go.)

Life is happy. Smile. 

Life in a series of snapshots

I'm waiting for someone to give the final tally of PowerPoint slides, exams, practicals, and presentations for the D1 year. Just this week had three exams and a practical. It all ends in a few weeks. Unbelievable. 

There have been delightful things of late:

Exhibit A: Religious foods that aren't funeral potatoes or green Jell-O

Last year I tried to put on a Passover seder for my friends and it was nigh impossible to find the appropriate foods. I eventually threw in the towel, broke the rules, and called saltine crackers good. It's white like matzoh. It's flat like matzoh. It's flakey like matzoh. IT'S MATZOH! Study group friends requested that I make some Jewish food for next week's rendeavouz. I know the haroseth will be well received - might have to do the zooming-airplane-spoon trick to make the gefiltefish and horseradish happen.

Exhibit B: The sunset

Wow. Even the cactus are blooming and it's just gorgeous. I love the Earth.

Exhibit C: Hot air balloons

There were seven of these floating about this morning on my way to exam #3458943972

Exhibit D: Adorable cartoons of diarrhea microbes

Oh, honestly. I just want to snuggle up close with Giardia.

Exhibit E: Unlicensed medicine

Some people have Sunday family dinners. Other people take Sunday walks with their sweetheart. We do pretend Sunday surgeries and practice suturing.

Exhibit F: Architectural feats

The desert's proud and noble tribute to the Bellagio. 

Exhibit G: Bonding with Bon Jovi

We had an insane amount of fun at the Bon Jovi concert (still dancing few days after). Only one thing was amiss... 

Where was the explosion of hideous-mom-jeans, FDA recalled bad batch of Rogaine, and Snooki animal print??

Crazy in Love

I love being in love. Springtime is fast approaching so love is in the air (it sure is for my newly-dating amorous upstairs neighbors. I have to leave my apartment now every night at 10 pm. Grrrr). I heard lots of crazy love stories every other day at college. I've been starved of crazypants love stories since I left BYU, but this one made up for the drought.

Missionary is in a family ward. Woman notices missionary. She is blown away and feels this is the one. She discloses her feelings in her journal. She shows the journal to the missionary. Missionary blows off his longtime girlfriend back home (who is rightfully 14 different kinds of angry) to be with this woman, with whom  he has not spoken more than 8 words. And those 8 words were (hopefully), 'Hello Sister ______. Do you have any referrals?' if we assume all conversation was as it should.

Missionary prays. And he prays and he prays and he prays. And he prays some more. And he is convinced that this woman is for him. Other members counsel him to date this woman, plus others once he is released. Funny how rational advice goes in one ear and out the next when in luuuuuuuurve.

Date of release arrives. He brings woman back to meet his family. They become engaged after a few days. Cue Facebook stalking.

I find out the best thing ever:

She is in the class of 2013.




IN HIGH SCHOOL.





IN. HIGH. SCHOOL.



SHE HAS NOT HAD PROM YET.


A 24 YEAR OLD MAN IS TAKING A HIGH SCHOOL CHILD/HIS WIFE TO PROM. (There HAS to be some school policy against this if in an effort to ward off pedophiles, parents aren't allowed to videotape elementary school soccer games.)



Wait a second. What if they can get prom to be their wedding reception?! What a brilliant way to save money! Prom tickets are what, $35 per couple? Get a big group in on the limo and that's just an extra $42. She can even pick up his flower thing at the school cafeteria. Forget about needing to hire a photographer - the school yearbook has it covered!

Maybe this isn't crazy.... I think they're working the system really well.


And that lobster picture? Freaking adorable (I GUARANTEE they are Mormons). I love love.

Things of a toothy nature

School is good. Really good.

This pretty much sums up the joy:

Don't let the exuberant delight deceive you. Our daily conversations go like this:

'Hey! How's life?'

'I want to kill myself. But I don't want to feed into the stereotype.'

I'm starting to think dental schools are run by casinos.

Time doesn't exist here.

11 hours on campus? Whatever. 

You better believe I'm making the most of my 10 billion dollar education. 

I won't bore you with the details of my knowledge packed day, but suffice it to say that I didn't know PowerPoint was capable of handling 426 slides. Go pathology!

You'd think I might be overwhelmingly stressed about becoming magically proficient at deciphering between the bajillion different kinds of necrotic, maggoty, lichenous skin lesions that all look the same (whoever said dentistry was gross never checked out a dermatology book), when what REALLY stresses me out is the conversation I'm going to have to have with a date. 

Hobbies? Interests? 

PANIC. 

Start listing activities that I see listed on rec center flyer.

Don't worry. I am having fun. Between Gangnam Style study breaks and learning how to cook with the 3 ingredients in my home (baking soda, an onion, and a questionable orange), I'm having a blast. Love the people - here and from BYU who have kept in touch through Skype! Love the palm trees. Love my new-found priority skills (case in point: I haven't vacuumed my apartment in 3 weeks and I am blogging.) Love the fact that I studied at the POOL for 2.5 hours in OCTOBER. Love that I can still fit in fun on the weekends. Love that I have committed to reading A Tale of Two Cities so molars don't overrule my life. Love the fact that apparently our professors think we have enough skills to start drilling amalgam preps.

I'll prove them wrong.